It’s been an exciting and eventful however long it’s been since i’ve blogged last, which i suppose i could just look at the date of the last entry, but that’s not on the same screen that i’m on right now, so you’ll just have to deal. This is a blog about things i’ve received.

I received a red stripe on my belt. As you’ll recall, i’ve been taking Taekwondo. You get stripes (colored electrical tape) on your belt once you reach a milestone. Red was my first. My instructor, Mr. Rick, had me perform my basic form, which is a lot of walking back and forth, chambering, blocking, and punching some invisible dude coming at me. I admittedly don’t have a lot of force when i do it, i don’t ‘snap’ too well, but let’s be honest, how menacing was the invisible man? I mean, i guess Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man was kind of a dick, but i think the forms would work out much better if i was punching Frankenstein’s Monster, or my old guidance counselor or something. Anyway, Mr. Rick says the red stripe means i did my form well enough to practice it on my own, which i think is just a polite way of saying that i stink, and i need to work on this shit as soon as i get my ass off the do jang (or as i like to call it, the dojangles). By now, i have a white stripe and a yellow stripe, and i’m testing for my yellow belt next week, but i don’t feel like taking a new picture, so here you go:

Here’s another thing i received, taekwondo related. We had a class, ominously instructed without speaking, about disarms and pressure points and stuff. There’s some really good ones that hurt like an assfucker. Here’s a few days old bruises. I had the same on my other arm and thigh:

A very unfortunate thing i received was a big fat lip. We were at the drive-in, sitting outside, watching Indiana Jones and the etc. About 15 minutes before the end of the movie, where all the what-the-shit confusing things happen, my lip feels weird, kind of numb. I guess something bit it. There were mosquitos around. It quickly gets bigger, and bigger. It feels really weird. As soon as the movie is over, i’m all like, “i think something bit me, look at my lip.” Ange starts laughing and Katie says something, i forget, but it sure wasn’t comforting. It feels huge, and i’m freaking out because i don’t know if it’s just gonna keep swelling, if it’ll spread, or what. I keep picturing the Elephant Man or that kid from Mask. Oh no! We get out of there as fast as we can, go to Rite Aid, get some Benadryl, go home, and i keep ice on it for a while before i finally pass out from fear and exaustion.

Something which i received which i don’t have a picture for, is contact lenses. I’m totally awesome now. I was totally weirded out for years about the whole idea of sticking things in my eye. Doing 50 jumping jacks, with my glasses slipping down a little further as i do each one, is pretty good incentive to try hard. Also, wearing glasses is not very conducive to doing things like flips and headlocks. I was nervous as shit but i went for it anyway. The dude, Jay from Lens N Eye, was totally nice and patient. And i totally rocked those contacts out. I’ve been wearing them more than 2 weeks now and i forget i have them in most of the time. Fuck glasses!

The last thing i received, came in two parts, really. For my birthday, way the fuck back in January, my wife paid for motorcycle lessons for me. I had tried this last year, through the MVA, of which i am still on the waiting list. This year i went through the Harley store, which is twice as expensive, but you get to pick your weekend. Mine was the last weekend in May. Perfect weather. I learned on a little Buell Blast. The class was really cool. Awesome instructors, nice dudes in the class, free pizza on saturday. The driving range, which was really just a deserted parking lot with a lot of squiggly spraypaint on it, was a good size. A couple guys wiped out a few times. One guy, he was pretty tall, had his bike ride out from underneath him – the bike kept going, i saw the dude running after it, it went behind the fence to where our cars were parked, and finally fell over, clipping the trailer hitch of a truck. It sucked, but was really funny looking. All in all, the class took 3 bikes out of commission that weekend. So anyway, i got a hundred on the written test, and i kind of barely passed the driving part. But enough to get my motorcycle license! Only an hour and a half at the DMV and i got my class M! Days later, i got my bike. I got a Harley 2008 Nightster, which i love. This bike was totally designed just for me.

That’s it! I’m sure i’ll have fun tales of learning how to ride a bike soon.

Are you totally excited? I am. I finally got some new ink. It’s been, like, 100 years. I’ve always wanted to get my “ear” tattooed, but could never think of a good enough idea. Until now, mofug! I figure, a surprising number of people never notice that i’m missing an ear. I can’t hear very well, and they don’t realize. Hopefully this will help. And the rest of the people, who do notice it, they like to stare (or the ever popular, quick glances during a conversation, as so i won’t notice). Now at least they have something to look at. It’s win-win (or for those of you who are fans of The Office, like me, win-win-win).

I rarely get asked about my ear, which is kind of disappointing. Most people i guess are too polite. (I find that asian people have a higher chance of asking, i guess it’s something cultural.) Anyway, it’s disappoiting because i’ve come to realize that when people do ask, they don’t really want a simple answer like, “Oh i was just born with it.” It’s anticlimactic. No drama. No juice. So i came up with a list of alternative origins that i rarely ever get to use. Here’s a few:

•Remember Furbees? I was working at Kmart years ago when they were all the rage. During the holidays, customers would line up outside the door at 5am waiting to get one. We’d of course only stock some ridiculous like 5 at a time. The doors would open, and they would throw all caution to the wind and run back to the toy section to grab their loot, like they were desparate contestants on Double Dare. So there were too many lunatics and not enough Furbees, and two of them got into a fist fight. Since Electronics (where i worked) was right next to Toys, i ran over to try to mediate. I got caught in the middle. One of the dudes pulled out a pocket knife. Things got ugly.

•You ever wonder how hard a dude could throw a Frisbee? This hard. I never played Frisbee again.

•One year i went to a Halloween party dressed as Van Gogh. In retrospect, i took the costume a little too far.

•I grew up with a couple of my cousins around all the time. I had this older cousin who was a little, you know, out there. We were home alone one day, and we were watching that Stephen King movie, Stand By Me. You know, where Ensign Crusher gets leeches on his balls. So my cousin wanted us to “play” Stand By Me. He elected me to play Corey Feldman. He wanted my ear to match his (if you recall, his father burned it against a stove) so he grabbed me and pressed my head against the heated stove. Nothing smells worse than burning skin…

•I have leprosy.

•Oh, i was in a gang for a while. The Crips. That was the initiation.

Can you think of more fun origins for the “non-ear”?

I have more to say… I keep meaning to blog… Oh! I started Taekwondo. We signed the kid up for it a few weeks ago, and she’s been doing really well. So i signed up too. Something i’ve been wanting to do ever since i saw The Karate Kid in a theater when i was like 8 or something. I’m totally outside of every comfort zone i have when i go. I’m not used to, you know, talking to people, touching people, doing anything physical, doing anything in front of large groups of people, or doing anything on a regular basis. The pushups and crunches are killing me. I haven’t done shit like this since High School over a decade ago. I signed up with a friend, though, which makes it easier, and i’ve almost got the basic form down. Low block, turn, punch, block, spin, low block, punch, block, spin, jump, spin, pirouette.

And i’ve got this picture i wanted to share. From my kid’s homework reader. Has this person never fucking seen a computer? Do they even know how they work? The scary thing is, it doesn’t even plug in anywhere. Is this some alternate world where they’ve discovered wireless power? Fusion batteries that last forever? Magic? Obviously not, because the boy in the story, Billy, has a leg brace, most likely from Polio. If they have magic computers and nano-technology, they should be able to fix his goddamned leg. But apparently Billy just isn’t worth it, because he’s conspicuously absent from the rest of the book, having obviously died from his ailments. How is my kid supposed to learn when she’s muddling through stories of death and misfortune? Thanks a lot, public schools.