Categories: Duckduckduckgoose

• Apok Accessible Ramps

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** Thinking outside the box gets me in trouble. I don’t approach most problems with the usual perspective. There’s that something that i’m missing – let’s call it common sense. I’ve never much had any. So i just made up my own kind. So we’re driving, my wife and i, and i make a wrong turn. I need to turn around – no big deal. There’s a tiny parking lot up on the left. There’s an entrance [...]

• The Positives of Elderly Abuse

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** So, no shit. I was driving down the road yesterday and i saw a sign that said STOP ELDERLY ABUSE. What the fuck? Is this really a problem in America? Aside from when Sqwee and i yell out EUTHANASIA from the car, i can’t think of the last time i’ve seen or heard about elderly abuse. Its never on the news. All the old people around here are ok. Grandma Depends seemed just fine and in [...]

• Google Mania

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** Googling. How socially acceptable is it? When i meet someone new, i normally want to learn everything about them that i can. I find people, and the things they do, interesting, but i don’t always want to just ask people thousands of intrusive questions. I archive and catalogue my life on the internet for all interested, and i guess i expect other people to do the same. So when i meet someone, i google them. Its [...]

• School Time

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** School buses. They bother the hell out of me. I’m driving, and there they are, on the opposite side of the road, with that flashing stop sign, like a big red beacon that i’ll be at least five minutes late to wherever i was going. Do kids really need me to stop so they can get off a bus? I’ve never once seen kids having to cross the street after they get off the bus. And [...]

• Counting Blocks

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** I hate those fucking dreams that start before you even fall asleep. We’ve all had one. When the first Tetris came out. After 8 hours straight of laying blocks and thumb cramps, we all closed our eyes and saw them again. The Tetris blocks kept on falling. Split between caling it a good dream or a nightmare, we only knew that we’d be subjected to hoping for that long, straight piece for the next 8 huors. [...]

• Just Say No

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** I ordered a turkey club. Can you make it plain? Sure, she says. Out it comes, minutes later, lathered in mayonaisse, as if it were on fire and only this awful white substance could put it out. What is it about mayonaisse lovers and their insistance on making all of us eat it? There are 6.5 billion people in the world. Not all of them crave mayonaisse like a baby craves teat. Some of us think [...]

• Cereal Institution

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** That is a good question – why are we attracted to the foods we are? I was thinking this same question today as i was walking through the cereal aisle. Kids must’ve changed in the last decade, because when i bought cereal, i bought it for the cool thing i got inside. I didn’t care if it was something stupid, like a pair of 3D glasses or plain piece of styrofoam, if it was free and [...]

• Penis Envy

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** Bigger pensises? That’s not too exciting. The cooter will eventually stretch, and it’ll be all the same after a while. I think we need to take the penis improvement industry in a different direction. Colored penises. Huh? How much would you pay for a green, or blue penis? People buy different colored condoms already. This just takes it a step further. I would take a pill to make my penis orange, then draw a jack o’lantern [...]

• Undead Porn

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** I love zombie movies too. Although, for a slightly different reason. Sure, they’re scary. Sure, they’re suspenseful. Sure, the plots are great and always original. But they offer a much more valuable resource. The dead hottie. I’ve been a fan of dead chicks since as long as i can remember. I recall in 5th grade we were playing hangman in school and i used the word Necrophelia. And i was disappointed that no one else knew [...]

• Marketing Terror

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** Sure they kill people. Sure, they’re “evil.” Sure, they hate us and our way of life. But you know why terrorists really have such a bad rap? Bad marketing. Yup. Al Qaeda has horrible public relations. What are they doing that’s so new? Kill people? Serial killers do that all the time, and they become cult icons. Threaten our daily security? The Columbine kids did a pretty good job of that. Undermine the American way of [...]